A small little phrase normally used to offer one advice on how to deal with a bully, an enemy, or an undesirable situation. What phrase is given to people who are naturally loving? I do not believe that I allow myself to get stepped all over. Maybe I am just too kind, too trusting, too forgiving. My intention was never to kill anyone with anything.
Here's what happened: It seems like a lifetime ago, but I fell in love.... hard. It didn't work out and it sucked. I slowly and painfully got over it. At first it killed me not being able to talk to this person. He was such a huge part of my life for so long. Eventually, not talking to him was fine. The days faded out where everything reminded me of him. Sure, I would hear a song that reminded me of him every once in a while, but that's expected. At first, it killed me that he did not even want to try to be friends after we had shared so much together. Eventually, it didn't bother me at all.
As soon as I got over the whole thing, we kept running into each other... EVERYWHERE. In our hometown, in Dallas, in Austin. It was definitely a Carrie running into Big situation. Even the locations were similar: art galleries, benefits, friends of friends houses, etc... Neither one of us made a decision to be friends after all of these strange encounters, it just kind of happened. It felt so wonderful to be friends again. We have been apart for so long, grew up a little bit, experienced different things, and found ourselves back at square one again: comfortable with each other like nothing had happened. Seriously, it's creepy. On several occasions, I've gotten into his car and he's listening to the exact same song I was just listening to! I felt so connected to him without wanting to date him. BIG STEP. Then, everything got screwed up.
He came to see me play a show the other weekend, and everything was going fine. He was hanging out with my new friends (where he fit in perfectly). He balanced having fun and networking (ok...so he hasn't changed THAT much). As we were waiting to leave, he placed his hands on my shoulders and left them there. My heart sank straight into my stomach... true vertical drop. Questions swirled around in my head.
Why is he doing that? Is this a friendly gesture? Does he want something more? Is he just trying to calm me down? Is he flirting? Why does this feel so familiar? What does this mean? How fast can I run away from this?
I hate it. Now, I have no idea what I want. I really do not think I want to date him again (not that he's given off those specific vibes). Do I run away from the situation? For so long I've prayed for us to have a healthy friendship. Now that it's come, how do I balanced keeping my heart guarded and letting him be a significant part of my life again? I would feel guilty for throwing away the opportunity to be friends since I have prayed for it for so long. Maybe what I want has changed. I am definitely an "all or nothing" girl. If I know you, I love you deeply and would do almost anything for you. Maybe I am TOO passionate. Too kind. All I can do is hope that I do not get misunderstood. As a friend, I want to share everything with him (that is just how I am). I can only hope he does not mistake my honesty and openness for a desire for a romantic relationship.
This is why it's confusing though: I am absolutely fine just having a friendship. I don't think about him all the time or want to text him every day. I don't even think about him every day. BUT if he wanted to try the whole romantic relationship thing with me again, I'd be open to it. The relationship was so perfect the first time and severed without warning. I just DO NOT want that to happen again... especially with the SAME guy! After breaking up, I swore off dating. I always said "the next guy I date better be the guy I marry because I'm never going through that again." I never wanted to lose love ever again. Then, I decided marriage may not be something I want. It's so hard to explain, and I know it sounds silly, but I guess the long story short is: If we're going to do this again, it better work.
Sorry about the rambling. At least you have some idea what's been going on.
"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves." - Blaise Pascal
"There is no remedy for love but to love more." - Henry David Thoreau
"I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of."- Jane Austen
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