Some Words I've Been Writing

.two tunes with working titles.

1. I wrote 1/3 of this song outside of the HOB Dallas on a collection of receipts and napkins I found in my purse (at the Sleeperstar show).  I wrote 1/3 of it the following day at Island Party (another Sleeperstar show) in Austin.  I guess Sleeperstar is just inspiring.

"No Explanation" - May 2009

Is there supposed to be a light when two worlds collide?

If so, how do we know if its source is love or a fire that's burning everything inside? (everything inside)

If it is a fire, do we tend to the flames or just pass it by? (pass it by)

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

Our heads are always so clouded

But somehow we seem to remain so grounded (remain so grounded)

If it's good, but it's not love

Do we leave it where we found it? or as we found it?

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

Will our seed grow? 

I don't know, I just don't no

Until I do I just wish on my eyelashes (my eyelashes)

That this seed bears a tree that thrives on ashes (thrives on ashes)

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

I just want you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

2. Written on the couch of my living room (you know, how normal people write) 

"254"- May 2009

We all went to Seaside, FL

Just to clear our heads

I ate a fish that looked like it wasn't dead

We rode our bikes on the sidewalk

Laughing all the way

Let's come back for another day

And these friends we've made

Lay scattered 'cross the countries

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

We all climbed a mighty mountain

Trekking through the snow

Found out a lot of things that we didn't know

We made our way down on a big sled

Screaming all the way

Made it to the bottom, guess life's OK

And these friends we've made

Lay scattered 'cross the countries

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

Highway 84

You are our open door

Oh, 254 

I have never loved you more

And these plans we've made

They may never be

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

Words Bound by Beauty

"Tu Se' Morta" - Monteverdi

ed io respiro; tu se' da me partita

se' da me partita per mai piu,

mai piu non torane, ed io rimango-

no, no che se i versi alcuna cosa ponno,

n'andro sicturo a' piu profondi abissi

e, internito il cor del re l'ombre,

meco traotti a riverder le stelle

"Puis qu'en oubli" - Machaut

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Vie amoureuse et joie a dieu commant

Mar vi le jour que m'amour en vous mis

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Mais ce tenray que je vous ay promis 

C'est que jamais n'aray nui autre amant

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Bia amoureuse et joie a dieu commant 

The Craftsmanship of Lines and Spaces

I have needed to cry for two months, but it has not happened.

This week has presented plenty of opportunities for me to cry.  

Car broke down in Red Oak... no tears. 

iPhone (most prized possession) dies... no tears.

Horrific argument with my father... no tears.

Eisley lyrics... no tears.

Feeling serious hurt for a good friend dealing with unrequited love... no tears.

At first, I believed it was because I was getting stronger.

Then, I feared it was because I was becoming numb.

At last... it happened.

Dvorak: Symphony No. 9 From the New World (4th Movement)

That piece of music has meant so much to me.  Everything it represents parallels my life.

  

The Music Itself: The beginning is so haunting.  Like a warning to step away or something horrible is going to happen.  But, as you draw your freshly rosined bow across the four strings, you find yourself getting lost in the beauty of the music.  Even the haunting beginning is beautiful.  Certainly it requires a swift movement of your wrist and the careful positioning of your body, but in order for the music to transform into a story it requires something more. Soul.  Visible passion.  The convulsion of your body as your whole being pours into telling the story.  By the end of the piece, you are exhausted.  Your bow needs to be rosined.  You have nothing more to give.  You wonder if it was worth giving anything at all.  Why did you not listen to the ominous melody of the opening bars?

The Past: It has been 3 years since we all played this wonderful piece on a stage together for a man we loved.  He taught us how to grow, how to love, and how to pick up the pieces when everything fell apart.  2005 was such a wonderful year for me.  We began working on the Dvorak then, and the eerie beginning (although obviously ominous) seemed so playful.  It was fun to step in someone else's shoes for a while.  As spring came, and we poured more of ourselves into the piece it became clearer that we were living the story.  Something was not right.  Sure enough, summer came and tore everything apart.  My heart was shattered, my dad spent most of the summer in the hospital, Wyatt was shot, and Stringer left us.  That's the price we pay for becoming so wrapped up in the music's story.  

The Present: Despite the incredible amount of strength depicted in the piece, I feel an overwhelming amount of weakness each time I hear it.  I love how it still connects all of us.  One of the eight posts it somewhere, and we all know we are in the same place: abandoned, feeling insecure, wondering if what we give will ever be enough.  One feels the hurt for all eight, and we all cry.  This piece brought out the best in us one night on a stage, but now highlights our every faults.  Oh, how it depicts all of my frustrations.  A piece of music without lyrics says all the things I can not say.  It says all the things I would never dare to say.  As I hurt for a friend that is hurting (outside the eight) I wonder if I should pass on this music to him.  I wonder if it will offer him the same twisted hope it offers all of us.  Maybe he will come out of it like we all did: so much stronger, braver, and human.  

Oh, Dvorak.  Do you know what you have done to my soul?  To my head?  It is more clouded than ever.  I tried to listen to Greig's Ase's Tod, but it does not evoke the same emotions it once did.  Oh, you frustrate me with your genius craftsmanship of lines and spaces.  I pray I remain brave.  I pray I know when to crescendo and decrescendo.  I pray I know when to rest and when to play with my frog close to the bridge.   

I'll Talk to Our Gravity Experts

two nights this week spent with ben rector.

every night this week spent with old friends and new friends. 

watching king baby (extended version).

oh, how i love the simple things.

3 New Songs (DEFINITELY in the works...they don't even have titles)

"when you got to go, don't say 'goodbye,' say 'i'll see you soon,' cause that's a good bye." - aaron espe

My head is screaming at me.  

I have a million things to think about and no time to form any rational thought.

Only panic is coming now.

I have to make some decisions sooner than expected.

I have thoughts that come and go; conflicting, of course.

The woman at the Valero calls me darling every day.  One of my best buddies, David Ramirez, told me he loved me today.  Zac kisses me.  All that to say, all of my bases are covered.  I have people who tell me what I want to hear, people who care about me, and people who show me affection.  Maybe that's why I am so content with having what I have with him; even if it isn't much.  I don't need him to call me darling, tell me he loves me, or kiss me.  Yet, there's that something about him that sets him apart.  THOSE are the parts of him I must subconsciously crave.  He challenges me.  He is brutally honest with me.  

Too tired.  Here are some songs I'm working on: 

"Severed Kites" - jaimee harris (2009)

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

We were growing up so envious

I didn't know

But I cried a million times the day I made you go

I never knew what that phrase you said meant

Until I replayed it a thousand times in my own head

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

As I felt my feet sink into the sand

I realized I'll never know you as a man 

If I took back all of those things I said

You'd be walking here with me, you wouldn't be dead

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

Would I take it all back and change?  

I wouldn't

I will always be selfish

I will never stray, I'll stay the same

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

For you a thousand times

For you thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand severed kites flying up in the sky

For you a thousand times over

"?" - jaimee harris (2009)

Mr. State Capitol, why are you sad?

Don't think about it, just go back to bed

You will feel better by morning I swear

If not, let me know & I'll rush to be there

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open, the next you are closed

Mr. State Capitol, why do you wander?

Keep your eyes fixed on me, you will discover

The love that shines behind these blue eyes is for you

I don't know if you want it now, but I hope you do soon

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open the next you are closed

Mr. State Capitol, don't hold my heart lightly

Cling to it, keep to it at your side tightly

And if you find out you must let it go

I don't want to be the last girl to know

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open the next you are closed

"?" - jaimee harris (2009)

Baby, won't you come & lie down next to me

You don't have to smile, you can close your eyes if you're tired

You never look at me when they are open any way

Baby, won't you come and lie down next to me

Baby, won't you come & talk to me a while

You don't have to say anything important, just pretend that you're interested

And kiss me before the lights go off so I can pretend we're something that we're not

Baby, won't you come & talk to me a while

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

It's not confusing, love, this is black & white lust

But we'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust what is happening between the both of us.

Baby, why do you vanish for days?

What the hell are you doing, except driving me insane?

I'm letting you go now, I don't really have a choice

Baby, why do you vanish for days?

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

It's not confusing, love, this is black & white lust

But we'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust what is happening between the both of us.

Vagabonds, Highways, & Classic Literature

Oh, the past week has been incredible.  Beyond incredible, in fact.  Monday night, I got to spend some time with my dear friend David Ramirez. I miss him so much!  We talked, briefly, about life and music (as always).  I FINALLY got to hear some of the tracks on American Soil.  Get ready America.  It's basically epic.   As seems to be a theme with this month, I reconnected with a friend I assumed dropped off the face of the Earth: Tia.  She is now one of the TOMS Vagabonds (talk about dream job).  We spent the entire night catching up, goofing off, and making life plans.  I totally forgot how incredibly fun she is!  We instantly became best friends.  Hajar, the other TOMS Vagabond, and I also became instant pals.  She has such a big heart and a passion that is contagious.  Oh man, I love her already.  The whole night was so comfortable, crazy, and fun.  Even though I barely know these girls, I feel like I have known them forever.  The best way to describe it is this:  It's like calling one of your best friends you haven't talked to for weeks. The conversation is so refreshing and lively, because you have so much new information to dish out.  That is EXACTLY how it felt to catch up with these girls.  I can absolutely not wait to do it again on Friday. 

Thursday night, after a day of illness, I drove to see Sara and Marshall in Abilene.  We started off the night with some delicious Chinese food (of which 1/2 ended up in my lap).  After we inhaled that, we made our way "downtown" to go smoke cigars at the Leaf. The Leaf is a really cool coffee/cigar bar of which 90% of its inhabitants sport Tombstone facial hair.  Unfortunately, it was closed by the time we got there so we crossed the street to hang out at Monks.  Monks was an interesting venue/coffee shop/clothing place.  Coffee must not sell well in Abilene due to the fact it's always paired up with several other items.  ANYWAY, I ended up bumming a guitar from some random guy and playing a few songs at their open mic.  Such a good time.  I spent the rest of the night talking about bluegrass with Sara's roommate, Josie. 

I woke up approximately at 2:00 pm the next afternoon.  Sara took me to this amazing steakhouse for my birthday.  The three of us decided, very spontaneously, that we needed some quality time with Mrs. Moak.  We gave her a ring, and she insisted we stay the night.  After an eventful drive to Lubbock, we found ourselves at her dinner table eating chili and homemade pecan pie (yes, more eating).  She was so excited to see us!  Our hearts basically exploded when we saw her.  The four of us stayed up talking about every area of life imaginable: science, medicine, college, high school, great literature, bad television, music, life plans.  Oh, how we idolize this woman.  She has been my hero for so long, yet I could not ignore the feeling that something was different about her.  Perhaps, she desperately misses the opportunity to change kid's lives every day through her occupation.  What she fails to realize is she STILL changes me every day.  Just as literature is living, and therefore forever changing, so are the words she said.  They echo and bounce off  the walls of my head so often.  Almost every day, I find myself putting something she taught me to use.  After Mrs. Moak headed off to bed, Morgan picked me up and took me to Jordan's.  What a great time!  Osam was even better looking than I remember (and smarter, too....mmmmm), Preston attempted to dance (mixed feelings), Melissa was just plain in love with me, and Jordan was Jordan.  We attempted to play Settlers of Catan, but our brains were too frantic to focus.  

The next day was quite the adventure.  Mrs. Moak made us breakfast, and we enjoyed chatting with her and seeing her react to her husband's teasing.  It was so precious.  We spent a good chunk of the trip back listening to opera (I need to listen to more of that stuff), Ben Rector, and Ben Gibbard.  I made it to work on time by driving an average speed of 95 MPH on HWY 6.  

Today was great.  I didn't have to work, so I wrote two songs, updated my MySpace with new music (www.myspace.com/jaimeeharrismusic), added music to my iLike page, and watched 5 movies.  Overall, a great day.  Overall, a great weekend.  I am so blessed with beautiful friends who genuinely care about me.  

"Leave your mark on me so if we part, I can still remember you.  Leave your mark, just leave it somewhere on me." - Jessie Baylin

"I'm telling my friends I gotta go.  I need rest, but I'm running for the phone.  I think Casey knows.  But, oh I just love you."- Dear & the Headlights

As I Sat in Aiden's Chair

The past two days have been quite interesting.  I woke up at my friend's house on Wednesday morning,  It was kind of like being in fourth grade when you wake up at a friend's house a lot earlier than they do.... and it's totally awkward.  You try to go back to sleep, and it works for a while, but you just feel restless.  You don't want to get out of the bed, out of fear of waking the other person up so you just lay there.  Anyways, while laying there in the mid afternoon, I had plenty of timeto think... which is ALWAYS dangerous.  Noon rolls around, and so does my friend.  I tell him I'm leaving in thirty minutes.   I get an "OK" out of him before he rolls over and goes back to sleep.  Thirty minutes passes, and he rolls over again and I tell him I have to leave.  (Really, I didn't.  I brought all my shower gear and work clothes with me, but I just wanted to get out of there)  I got another "OK" out of him before he went all rollie polie on me.  Now, I do not get mad easily... ever ... but I definitely found myself annoyed.  I think I was more annoyed with myself for getting upset over something so stupid.  I wondered to myself, "Where is this coming from?  You're never like this."  Later, after some mild bitchiness from me, I received an apology.  I felt ridiculous for needing an apology.  No one should have to apologize for something so petty.  As I drove away, pre-apology, I decided I was done with this whole thing.  I had a little pep talk with myself: "Hey you.  You're a catch.  Don't settle."  Weird choice of words.  "Don't settle."  As I reflected on the words that had just come out of the rational side of my brain, the right side kicked in.  This whole ordeal does not feel like settling at all for many reasons:

1) I never thought I even had the slightest chance with this guy.

2) I never felt like he was beneath me, at all.

3) This whole situation had been very comfortable.

"He said he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't," I thought to myself.  I decided I wasn't going to text him.  

"I'm too proud to beg for your attention & your friendship & your time.  So you can come & get it from now on.  Here I am, I'm so young.  I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone.  Everyday I bite my tongue.  If you only knew my mind is full of razors that can cut you like a word if only sung." - Brandi Carlile

Well, the no texting thing didn't last for very long because I kind of got in a jam last night.  I was going to see if I could crash on his couch (I decided bed was not the best idea, considering the morning I had) I received a response that I immediately knew was bad news.  SHE was there.  SHE has not been in the picture, at least the picture I've seen, for a good bit.  I almost forgot SHE was still there.  That was officially it.  I decided if he does not want me now, he never will... and that's fine.  It was definitely great while it lasted.  I had a pretty good night tonight though.  I went to see Brandon's band, In the Beginning, play a show.  Definitely a fun time.  Jacob made me play "Straw & Dirt" a million times.  Ridiculous.  I also Sara tonight which was wonderful.  Anyways, after the show we went back to Brandon's and Casey and I sat in THAT chair.  The chair where I shared him with my friends and he wasn't too embarrassed to hold my hand in front of them.  As soon as I sunk down into that massive thing, all the thoughts I suppressed in the back of my mind came flooding to the front.  It was definitely parallel to Carrie sitting in Aiden's chair.  Definitely.  But like I said, I still feel like this is the best thing for now.  If he wants any part of me, he can come get it.   

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.  You know what I  wanted; I gave what I gave.  I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say." - Stars

Today was hard.  I stuck to the no texting rule, and I didn't hear from him today.  I'm still not hurt in a romantic way, but the lack of friendship totally already sucks.  It's hard now, but I also know it's the right thing to do for now.  I am not going to dish out or take anything along the lines of "if it's meant to be, it will be."  I think it's more related to two adults making a decision to have a good time together or not.  I am so thankful to have my wonderful Sara with me to talk about life.  Strange how our conversations have evolved from crayons to more serious things.  I am so blessed to have her.  She is my rock.  As we were talking, she said some very wise things, things I immediately wrote down.  I was telling her that one of the best things I got out of this "whatever this thing is" thing, was that I learned I am absolutely ready to fall for someone again.  I'm done with the ridiculous fear I've been holding onto.  Sara wanted to make sure that I'm really finally ready to forgive from my core all the things that happened years ago.  She said: "When you love someone that much and they hurt you, you just want to shut down and be bitter.  But you can't.  You have to forgive them and continue to love them.  The idea is to forgive so you can live your life FEARLESSLY.  Fear helps perpetuate the cycle, not break it."  How I love that Sara Shoultz. 

I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place.  Definitely representative of me right now (especially at 4:38 am)

Here's a little song I started writing on Tuesday.  Maybe it'll stick.  Maybe it won't.

v1:

Baby, won't you come lie down next to me

You don't have to smile, you can close your eyes if you're tired

You never look at me when they're open anyway

Baby, won't you come and lie down next to me

v2:

Baby, won't you come talk to me a while

You don't have to say anything, you can just pretend you're interested

And kiss me before the lights go off

So I can pretend we're something we're not

Baby, won't you come and talk to me a while

c:

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

This isn't confusing, love, this is black and white lust

We'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust

What is happening between the both of us

Like I said, just something I'm working on.  Here are some other words to sleep on.

"Let it Happen" - Jimmy Eat World

I have a ringing in my head and no one to help me answer it

Even if you're close enough to kiss

Every minute is arranged

Every moment lasts a day

But thinking about it won't help me tlet go, I know

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk

Gotta love how it's somehow all on me 

All the petty scenes and all the pretty things

Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off

I must look like I'm running away

To you, at a faster pace

I wonder what it is you could've seen in me

I'm the evil one who said gonna let everything happen

Just like my chest, my ears our proud

Collision is such an ugly sound

I can hear it now

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk

Gotta love how it's somehow all on me

All the petty scenes and all the pretty things

Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off

"Hologram" - Katie Herzig

I'm gonna let you down, gonna toss you around, gonna make you want everything you haven't found

I'm gonna hold your hand, then ask you to stand ten feet away

Oh, it's just like you said

I live in my head

I'm saving up all that I can 'til I'm dead

It's always the same, but never the same way

Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more

I fall in love with hard to get, you know, you're just like me

A mystery, with nothing more to see; a virtual reality

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

I am taking up space

I'm holding a half-hearted smile to your face

It's pretty enough, but watch out it fades away

Time is ticking so fast, does anything last

Soon, I will be just a part of your past

I'll leave you with this

You hold on in blissful memory

Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more

I fall in love with hard to get, you know you're just like me

A mystery, with nothing more to see

A virtual reality

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

Now that you can see, I'm not what you make of me

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram, you can see but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

I'm just a hologram 

"Happiness" - The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour

Happiness a little more like knocking on your door 

You just let it in.

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone, not for good but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold 

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself that's enough for now

Happiness, has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it, and you'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home.

"Leave" - Glen Hansard

I can't wait forever is all that you said before you stood up

And you won't disappoint me, I can do that myself

But I'm glad that you've come

Now if you don't mind leave.

Leave, free yourself at the same time

Leave, leave. 

I don't understand, you've already gone.

And I hope you feel better now that it's out

What took you so long?

And the truth has a habit of falling out of your mouth

Well, now that it's come... if you don't mind leave.

Leave,  please yourself at the same time 

Leave, leave.

Let go of my heart you said what you came to now leave.

Leave, let go of my heart you said what you have to... now leave.