The past two days have been quite interesting. I woke up at my friend's house on Wednesday morning, It was kind of like being in fourth grade when you wake up at a friend's house a lot earlier than they do.... and it's totally awkward. You try to go back to sleep, and it works for a while, but you just feel restless. You don't want to get out of the bed, out of fear of waking the other person up so you just lay there. Anyways, while laying there in the mid afternoon, I had plenty of timeto think... which is ALWAYS dangerous. Noon rolls around, and so does my friend. I tell him I'm leaving in thirty minutes. I get an "OK" out of him before he rolls over and goes back to sleep. Thirty minutes passes, and he rolls over again and I tell him I have to leave. (Really, I didn't. I brought all my shower gear and work clothes with me, but I just wanted to get out of there) I got another "OK" out of him before he went all rollie polie on me. Now, I do not get mad easily... ever ... but I definitely found myself annoyed. I think I was more annoyed with myself for getting upset over something so stupid. I wondered to myself, "Where is this coming from? You're never like this." Later, after some mild bitchiness from me, I received an apology. I felt ridiculous for needing an apology. No one should have to apologize for something so petty. As I drove away, pre-apology, I decided I was done with this whole thing. I had a little pep talk with myself: "Hey you. You're a catch. Don't settle." Weird choice of words. "Don't settle." As I reflected on the words that had just come out of the rational side of my brain, the right side kicked in. This whole ordeal does not feel like settling at all for many reasons:
1) I never thought I even had the slightest chance with this guy.
2) I never felt like he was beneath me, at all.
3) This whole situation had been very comfortable.
"He said he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't," I thought to myself. I decided I wasn't going to text him.
"I'm too proud to beg for your attention & your friendship & your time. So you can come & get it from now on. Here I am, I'm so young. I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone. Everyday I bite my tongue. If you only knew my mind is full of razors that can cut you like a word if only sung." - Brandi Carlile
Well, the no texting thing didn't last for very long because I kind of got in a jam last night. I was going to see if I could crash on his couch (I decided bed was not the best idea, considering the morning I had) I received a response that I immediately knew was bad news. SHE was there. SHE has not been in the picture, at least the picture I've seen, for a good bit. I almost forgot SHE was still there. That was officially it. I decided if he does not want me now, he never will... and that's fine. It was definitely great while it lasted. I had a pretty good night tonight though. I went to see Brandon's band, In the Beginning, play a show. Definitely a fun time. Jacob made me play "Straw & Dirt" a million times. Ridiculous. I also Sara tonight which was wonderful. Anyways, after the show we went back to Brandon's and Casey and I sat in THAT chair. The chair where I shared him with my friends and he wasn't too embarrassed to hold my hand in front of them. As soon as I sunk down into that massive thing, all the thoughts I suppressed in the back of my mind came flooding to the front. It was definitely parallel to Carrie sitting in Aiden's chair. Definitely. But like I said, I still feel like this is the best thing for now. If he wants any part of me, he can come get it.
"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You know what I wanted; I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say." - Stars
Today was hard. I stuck to the no texting rule, and I didn't hear from him today. I'm still not hurt in a romantic way, but the lack of friendship totally already sucks. It's hard now, but I also know it's the right thing to do for now. I am not going to dish out or take anything along the lines of "if it's meant to be, it will be." I think it's more related to two adults making a decision to have a good time together or not. I am so thankful to have my wonderful Sara with me to talk about life. Strange how our conversations have evolved from crayons to more serious things. I am so blessed to have her. She is my rock. As we were talking, she said some very wise things, things I immediately wrote down. I was telling her that one of the best things I got out of this "whatever this thing is" thing, was that I learned I am absolutely ready to fall for someone again. I'm done with the ridiculous fear I've been holding onto. Sara wanted to make sure that I'm really finally ready to forgive from my core all the things that happened years ago. She said: "When you love someone that much and they hurt you, you just want to shut down and be bitter. But you can't. You have to forgive them and continue to love them. The idea is to forgive so you can live your life FEARLESSLY. Fear helps perpetuate the cycle, not break it." How I love that Sara Shoultz.
I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place. Definitely representative of me right now (especially at 4:38 am)
Here's a little song I started writing on Tuesday. Maybe it'll stick. Maybe it won't.
v1:
Baby, won't you come lie down next to me
You don't have to smile, you can close your eyes if you're tired
You never look at me when they're open anyway
Baby, won't you come and lie down next to me
v2:
Baby, won't you come talk to me a while
You don't have to say anything, you can just pretend you're interested
And kiss me before the lights go off
So I can pretend we're something we're not
Baby, won't you come and talk to me a while
c:
The whole world is crashing down on the both of us
This isn't confusing, love, this is black and white lust
We'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust
What is happening between the both of us
Like I said, just something I'm working on. Here are some other words to sleep on.
"Let it Happen" - Jimmy Eat World
I have a ringing in my head and no one to help me answer it
Even if you're close enough to kiss
Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it won't help me tlet go, I know
Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes and all the pretty things
Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off
I must look like I'm running away
To you, at a faster pace
I wonder what it is you could've seen in me
I'm the evil one who said gonna let everything happen
Just like my chest, my ears our proud
Collision is such an ugly sound
I can hear it now
Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes and all the pretty things
Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off
"Hologram" - Katie Herzig
I'm gonna let you down, gonna toss you around, gonna make you want everything you haven't found
I'm gonna hold your hand, then ask you to stand ten feet away
Oh, it's just like you said
I live in my head
I'm saving up all that I can 'til I'm dead
It's always the same, but never the same way
Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more
I fall in love with hard to get, you know, you're just like me
A mystery, with nothing more to see; a virtual reality
I'm in a love affair without a love song
I'm the habit of having what I don't want
I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby
Oh, I bet you want me
I am taking up space
I'm holding a half-hearted smile to your face
It's pretty enough, but watch out it fades away
Time is ticking so fast, does anything last
Soon, I will be just a part of your past
I'll leave you with this
You hold on in blissful memory
Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more
I fall in love with hard to get, you know you're just like me
A mystery, with nothing more to see
A virtual reality
I'm in a love affair without a love song
I'm in the habit of having what I don't want
I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby
Oh, I bet you want me
Now that you can see, I'm not what you make of me
I'm in a love affair without a love song
I'm in the habit of having what I don't want
I'm just a hologram, you can see but don't touch me baby
Oh, I bet you want me
I'm just a hologram
"Happiness" - The Fray
Happiness is just outside my window
I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour
Happiness a little more like knocking on your door
You just let it in.
Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone, not for good but for now
And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good
Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks
Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself that's enough for now
Happiness, has a violent roar
Happiness, it's like the old man told me
Look for it, and you'll never find it all
But let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home.
"Leave" - Glen Hansard
I can't wait forever is all that you said before you stood up
And you won't disappoint me, I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind leave.
Leave, free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave.
I don't understand, you've already gone.
And I hope you feel better now that it's out
What took you so long?
And the truth has a habit of falling out of your mouth
Well, now that it's come... if you don't mind leave.
Leave, please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave.
Let go of my heart you said what you came to now leave.
Leave, let go of my heart you said what you have to... now leave.
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