Ok. So, I have recently been dabbling in some behavior I swore off dabbling in three years ago. Actually, no. Well, I don't know. It's so confusing. I will certainly try my best to explain. About three years ago, I had my heart broken by a boy I really loved. It took me forever to get back on my feet again. So, in March of 2007 I decided I was ready for another go around. I began somewhat accidentally dating a guy in August of 2006. He really cared for me, but I knew I could not reciprocate the feelings he felt for me. My heart just wasn't ready and I knew I wasn't going to marry. You see, I was never one for casual dating. I didn't understand it. I got exhausted just thinking about all it entails. (I have this rule about only dating people I can see myself marrying) In March of 2007, I began dating the kindest boy I've ever dated. He was an incredible gentleman, but I hate always being right just because I'm a girl. I need a challenge. So, me being typical me, I let him go in May of 2007. My friends have always tried to set me up with great guys, but I always declined because I just felt that things would fall into place when they were supposed to. I just KNEW time would be on my side. The boy that broke my heart absolutely shattered it. He violated my trust, ruptured the best friendships I have ever had, and somehow turned me into the enemy. Oh, and I played it so right. I think I only called him three times after the whole mess happened. (Keep in mind this mess happened almost three years ago) I never sent him obsessive messages or spread horrible rumors about him. I couldn't; I hated who he became but I was still drunk in love with who he used to be. So many times I thought to myself, "You were never good enough to be with a guy like that. You should be so grateful you got that chance." or "Oh no, he can do so much better than me. I'll never do as well as him."
I finally realized how internally damaging my thoughts were. I finally decided to, as cheesy as it sounds, love myself enough to be loved. I decided I was not going to settle. Like I said, I dated these two boys who were incredibly good to me but I couldn't help but compare them to my former love. I just never felt that comfort with them I felt so clearly with him. I wanted so badly to love them, because they were text book perfect... but I just couldn't. Something didn't fit.
Fast forward. Very recently, I have stumbled into something very strange. I met this person in October 2008. He was hilarious, and most importantly, was not afraid to poke fun at me after knowing me for five minutes. I find that confidence so attractive. Sara, my best friend from Kindergarten, taunted me all night. "Oh my goodness. Jaimee, you like him!!" I was quick to respond with a childish "Nu-uh, no I don't! Cut it out!" Secretly, I knew he had made quite the impression. A few weeks ago, this person re-entered my life at a strange time. Due to the fact that both of us have a tendency to not hold anything back, he let me know all about this girl he is crazy about. She is absolutely stunning. Hearing him talk about her warmed my heart. It reminded me of how valuable waiting for a boy who talked about me with the same intensity this person did would be.
About a week after hearing him talk about and through his issues with this girl, who keeps pulling him back and forth, I found myself in the same city with him. He invited me over for dinner, and I accepted. I was excited to see my new found friend! (emphasis on friend) I felt no pressure whatsoever, since I knew this was absolutely NOT a date, so I just remained being my goofy self. Before I knew it, I found myself on one of the best dates I've ever been on in my whole life... and this was absolutely a NON date. It was not nearly as awkward as a first date usually is, since there was essentially no pressure, but I also discovered I fell into a state of comfort I haven't experienced even with my closest friends in forever. Everything just seemed to feel right. Everything seemed to fit; quite the excellent jumpstart to a great friendship.
For several days, I found myself in the same city with this guy. One night, I found myself on the foot of his bed watching one of my favorite movies... but the movie quickly faded into the background. Oddly enough, I just wanted to look at him. Then, looking at him wasn't enough. I had to kiss him. (and this is coming from the girl that doesn't kiss unless there is a label on the relationship) This was a VERY bad sign. I knew he loved this other girl to death, and I knew he was not going to kiss me. Eh, but what the hell do I know? Half to my relief, half to my confusion, he kissed me. There it was. I got what I wanted. I spent the whole drive home the next morning (by morning, I mean more of a continuation of the night before... we stayed up all night) feeling liberated. For the first time, I shared a moment with a boy and didn't think "Awwww, I really miss him," or "Oooo, I wonder if he likes me," or "Is he gonna ask me to be his girlfriend," instead I just felt free. I felt like getting kissed was EXACTLY what I needed. I didn't expect anything and it was wonderful.
He continues to talk to me about this wonderful girl, and I desperately want things to work out for them because I know how much it means to him. I am furious with her for causing this amazing individual so much grief. I know that he does not want to be with me, and that is fine. I knew the terms when we started this, whatever this thing is, thing. What concerns me is my attitude about the whole thing. Why have I certainly decided that I just need to be kissed over and over again instead of needing a relationship? Aren't these flings the things that are supposed to leave you crushed? Why do I continue to feel comfortable? Why can't I turn off this feeling? I mean, I can't even figure out why I desire him. He almost never says the right things because he is so honest with himself and in turn with me. I sometimes find myself trying to set him up to say the right things.
Example:
how i hear it in my head
me: Ok, I'm getting up to go in, like, five minutes. That way, I can be back in town by 2.
he: Don't you have to be at work at 4? Just stay here. Or, at least give me 10 more minutes with you. You'll still have plenty of time.
what actually takes place
me: Ok, I'm getting up to go in, like, five minutes. That way, I can be back in town by 2.
he: (5 minutes later) Alright, you should probably go now.
But, he has his moments where he does say the right things. I guess that's enough to keep coming back for more. I just still don't understand why I keep coming back. Sometimes, I don't think he even wants me to come back. It's weird that I don't crave him when I'm away from him, but when he's close I don't want to leave. Is this healthy?
Wait, a second. I kind of like this new me. It's something different and fun. Sure it isn't sweet or graceful, but I'm having a helluva good time. ;)
"I'm like a paper cup with a pinprick. You can fill me up, but I'll only stay full for a while. And wisdom's only shown me that loneliness is all my fault. And I don't know what I have done wrong. You say you understand me, well I don't get you at all. It seems everyone around me is so good at faking it I don't know just how to act around you." - Dear and the Headlights
"Be here now. No other place to be. All the doubts that linger, just set them free and let good things happen. Let the future come into each moment like the rising sun. Sun comes up, and we start again." - Mason Jennings
"Lately things are not o.k. I just wanted to hear somebody say be here now." - Mason Jennnings
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