9 Creative Ways to Say "I Love You"

Ok, so the title has NOTHING to do with the post. I was searching for a creative way to say "Hey! I found this searching through old documents on my old computer," and "9 creative ways to say 'I love you'" surfaced instead. (Yes, I googeld it). I don't know how familiar any of you are with NPR'S "This I Believe" segment, but I am a 90 year old man, so I love it. My senior AP English teacher (Mrs. Moak--the woman who inspired "Golden Apples") made us write a "This I Believe" essay. She did not require us to submit them (thank goodness, because I would love to REALLY work on one for submission). She also made us read our essays. I can not even begin to expain how intense this was. I went to Kindergarten with the kids I graduated with, so I was very close to 98% of the senior class. Oh, by the way, our class was very Dead Poets Society. Our class grew very close, because Mrs. Moak forced us to dive into literature, apply it to our own lives, and really understand it for what it is. This process challenged us to discover what we believe and stand up for it in addition to challenging us to know when to shut up. But, as MTV "Diaries" exclaimed many times... you may think you know, but you have NO idea. An alarming amount of people mentioned me in their essay. It was so strange to know that my peers looked up to me so much. One classmate of mine wrote about his belief in doing away with the death penalty. His essay told the story of his father being murdered mere hours after he was born, and his father's killer being released the day our essay was due. NONE of us knew this kid's father had been murdered, despite sharing 13 years with him. Apparently no one knew. Crazines. So, this is my crappy "This I Believe" essay. As bad as it is, it was nice running into it.

Jaimee Harris
Mrs. Moak
English IV- 4
28 March 2008
Belief in Vulnerability
I am a songwriter. The past four years of my life have been recorded, shipped, and sold throughout coffee shops in Texas, including an entire album dedicated to the hardest year I have ever fought through. I have been criticized for being too real with my songwriting and have received many e-mails from people who are concerned that I might be making myself too vulnerable to the universe. Yet, original music gives me strength and connects me with people close and far away from me. I believe in music.
My dad bought me a guitar the Christmas right before my sixth birthday. He taught me everything he had learned on his own, and a few pointers he received from Eddie Vedder. My interest in songwriting, however, did not spark until I felt I had something worthy to write about. My dad have been songwriting together ever since. I believe in the power music has to create a unique relationship between a father and a daughter.
Suddenly, everything in my life changed. For two years, my dad constantly suffered from a blood vessel problem in his brain, known as a cluster headache, that at times left him blind, unable to walk, and unable to speak. The seventh doctor we went to was finally able to explain the condition to my family, and also warn us that this disease has an extremely good chance of being passed on to me. Receiving the news at sixteen years old that my brain will eventually turn to mush and I will be a burden on my family within twenty years forced me to open my eyes and take in everything I could. I wrote constantly about pain, love, nature, basically anything I observed. I believe in the power of music, because it helps me cope with trauma.
Music has forced me to invite the entire world into my life, but people all over the world have responded to my songs and invited me into their lives. Along with the handful of critical e-mails I receive, I also receive e-mails from fans from New Zealand, China, Japan, and the Netherlands that encourage me to write more or thank me for what I have written. After I played a show at a coffee shop in Dallas, a biker dressed in all leather, sporting several prison tattoos and a ZZ Top beard came up to in shambles. He told me that his best friend had just passed away and my music helped him to cope with his loss. Troll now copes with music instead of alcohol and plays an open mic night every Monday. I believe in the power music has to connect people who would be otherwise separated. I believe songwriting has the ability to affect not only the giver, but the receiver. I believe songwriting can sustain me financially, but in order to do so, I must believe in what makes me vulnerable.

Memphis by Morning

The trip to KY always allows for lots of time to think. I think I will listen to this song a lot.

"High and Low" -Greg Laswell

I'm going to see some friends from out of state
The very trip that you were supposed to take a while
ago
But it fell through
Like all of you
Like all of you

Thought i'd make the drive but a free plane ride is in
the air
And just like that my fear of it disappeared
Like all of you
Like all of you

And i look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low

Once i can see straight i might move somewhere cold
Seattle or the bay area; to see your ghost
What's left of you
What's left of you

And i look high and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low

Found a letter from a man i might have met, addressed
to you
And i'll steal the words he ended with:
I miss you
And i do
Miss you
And i do

High and low for yesterday
High and low for you and i
High and low

I've Decided I'm Poisonous

"Kill them with kindness." 

A small little phrase normally used to offer one advice on how to deal with a bully, an enemy, or an undesirable situation.  What phrase is given to people who are naturally loving?  I do not believe that I allow myself to get stepped all over.  Maybe I am just too kind, too trusting, too forgiving.  My intention was never to kill anyone with anything.  

Here's what happened: It seems like a lifetime ago, but I fell in love.... hard.  It didn't work out and it sucked.  I slowly and painfully got over it.  At first it killed me not being able to talk to this person.  He was such a huge part of my life for so long.  Eventually, not talking to him was fine.  The days faded out where everything reminded me of him.  Sure, I would hear a song that reminded me of him every once in a while, but that's expected.  At first, it killed me that he did not even want to try to be friends after we had shared so much together.  Eventually, it didn't bother me at all. 

As soon as I got over the whole thing, we kept running into each other... EVERYWHERE.  In our hometown, in Dallas, in Austin.  It was definitely a Carrie running into Big situation.  Even the locations were similar: art galleries, benefits, friends of friends houses, etc...  Neither one of us made a decision to be friends after all of these strange encounters, it just kind of happened.  It felt so wonderful to be friends again.  We have been apart for so long, grew up a little bit, experienced different things, and found ourselves back at square one again: comfortable with each other like nothing had happened.  Seriously, it's creepy.  On several occasions, I've gotten into his car and he's listening to the exact same song I was just listening to!  I felt so connected to him without wanting to date him.  BIG STEP.   Then, everything got screwed up.

He came to see me play a show the other weekend, and everything was going fine.  He was hanging out with my new friends (where he fit in perfectly).  He balanced having fun and networking (ok...so he hasn't changed THAT much).  As we were waiting to leave, he placed his hands on my shoulders and left them there.  My heart sank straight into my stomach... true vertical drop.  Questions swirled around in my head.

Why is he doing that?  Is this a friendly gesture?  Does he want something more?  Is he just trying to calm me down?  Is he flirting?  Why does this feel so familiar?  What does this mean?  How fast can I run away from this?

I hate it.  Now, I have no idea what I want.  I really do not think I want to date him again (not that he's given off those specific vibes).  Do I run away from the situation?  For so long I've prayed for us to have  a healthy friendship.  Now that it's come, how do I balanced keeping my heart guarded and letting him be a significant part of my life again?  I would feel guilty for throwing away the opportunity to be friends since I have prayed for it for so long.  Maybe what I want has changed.  I am definitely an "all or nothing" girl.  If I know you, I love you deeply and would do almost anything for you.  Maybe I am TOO passionate.  Too kind. All I can do is hope that I do not get misunderstood.  As a friend, I want to share everything with him (that is just how  I am).  I can only hope he does not mistake my honesty and openness for a desire for a romantic relationship.  

This is why it's confusing though:  I am absolutely fine just having a friendship.  I don't think about him all the time or want to text him every day.  I don't even think about him every day.  BUT if he wanted to try the whole romantic relationship thing with me again, I'd be open to it.  The relationship was so perfect the first time and severed without warning.  I just DO NOT want that to happen again... especially with the SAME guy!  After breaking up, I swore off dating.  I always said "the next guy I date better be the guy I marry because I'm never going through that again."  I never wanted to lose love ever again.  Then, I decided marriage may not be something I want.  It's so hard to explain, and I know it sounds silly, but I guess the long story short is: If we're going to do this again, it better work. 

Sorry about the rambling.  At least you have some idea what's been going on.  

"Clarity of mind means clarity of passion, too; this is why a great and clear mind loves ardently and sees distinctly what it loves." - Blaise Pascal

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." - Henry David Thoreau 

"I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of."- Jane Austen

... and then, i smiled.

Summer has been so interesting.  New friends came into my life, friends left, and someone I once loved (and consequently hated) returned as a good friend.  As everyone returned home for the summer, I realized how much I have changed.  I am not as fearless as I once was, but this new sense of caution is good for me.  After 3 years, I let go of a broken heart just in time to let the boy who broke it come back around to make me laugh again. 

Timing is perfect.  

I tried so many things I have never tried before.  Not all of them worked out, but they were certainly worth trying. 

Timing is perfect.

Two of my friends have shared stories with me the past two days about finding a person that fit into their life just at the right moment.  In both situations, the road leading up to happiness was tainted with confusion, hard decisions, and a hint of awkwardness BUT the ending was so blissful.  I have always believed you can't who you fall in love with or when you fall in love.

Timing is perfect.

My heart is bursting with excitement for these people.  In the latter situation, these two are two of the most beautiful people I have ever met.  I can not wait to hear how their love grows.  

Timing is perfect. 

I feel like I knew it would happen all along.  They told me I was right, and then I smiled.

Timing is perfect. 

Some Words I've Been Writing

.two tunes with working titles.

1. I wrote 1/3 of this song outside of the HOB Dallas on a collection of receipts and napkins I found in my purse (at the Sleeperstar show).  I wrote 1/3 of it the following day at Island Party (another Sleeperstar show) in Austin.  I guess Sleeperstar is just inspiring.

"No Explanation" - May 2009

Is there supposed to be a light when two worlds collide?

If so, how do we know if its source is love or a fire that's burning everything inside? (everything inside)

If it is a fire, do we tend to the flames or just pass it by? (pass it by)

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

Our heads are always so clouded

But somehow we seem to remain so grounded (remain so grounded)

If it's good, but it's not love

Do we leave it where we found it? or as we found it?

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

Will our seed grow? 

I don't know, I just don't no

Until I do I just wish on my eyelashes (my eyelashes)

That this seed bears a tree that thrives on ashes (thrives on ashes)

I just love you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

I just want you, and I don't know why

No explanation, I just don't know why

2. Written on the couch of my living room (you know, how normal people write) 

"254"- May 2009

We all went to Seaside, FL

Just to clear our heads

I ate a fish that looked like it wasn't dead

We rode our bikes on the sidewalk

Laughing all the way

Let's come back for another day

And these friends we've made

Lay scattered 'cross the countries

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

We all climbed a mighty mountain

Trekking through the snow

Found out a lot of things that we didn't know

We made our way down on a big sled

Screaming all the way

Made it to the bottom, guess life's OK

And these friends we've made

Lay scattered 'cross the countries

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

Highway 84

You are our open door

Oh, 254 

I have never loved you more

And these plans we've made

They may never be

Six names are engraved in the heart of Texas on a big oak tree

Words Bound by Beauty

"Tu Se' Morta" - Monteverdi

ed io respiro; tu se' da me partita

se' da me partita per mai piu,

mai piu non torane, ed io rimango-

no, no che se i versi alcuna cosa ponno,

n'andro sicturo a' piu profondi abissi

e, internito il cor del re l'ombre,

meco traotti a riverder le stelle

"Puis qu'en oubli" - Machaut

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Vie amoureuse et joie a dieu commant

Mar vi le jour que m'amour en vous mis

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Mais ce tenray que je vous ay promis 

C'est que jamais n'aray nui autre amant

Puis qu'en oubli sui de vous dous amis

Bia amoureuse et joie a dieu commant 

The Craftsmanship of Lines and Spaces

I have needed to cry for two months, but it has not happened.

This week has presented plenty of opportunities for me to cry.  

Car broke down in Red Oak... no tears. 

iPhone (most prized possession) dies... no tears.

Horrific argument with my father... no tears.

Eisley lyrics... no tears.

Feeling serious hurt for a good friend dealing with unrequited love... no tears.

At first, I believed it was because I was getting stronger.

Then, I feared it was because I was becoming numb.

At last... it happened.

Dvorak: Symphony No. 9 From the New World (4th Movement)

That piece of music has meant so much to me.  Everything it represents parallels my life.

  

The Music Itself: The beginning is so haunting.  Like a warning to step away or something horrible is going to happen.  But, as you draw your freshly rosined bow across the four strings, you find yourself getting lost in the beauty of the music.  Even the haunting beginning is beautiful.  Certainly it requires a swift movement of your wrist and the careful positioning of your body, but in order for the music to transform into a story it requires something more. Soul.  Visible passion.  The convulsion of your body as your whole being pours into telling the story.  By the end of the piece, you are exhausted.  Your bow needs to be rosined.  You have nothing more to give.  You wonder if it was worth giving anything at all.  Why did you not listen to the ominous melody of the opening bars?

The Past: It has been 3 years since we all played this wonderful piece on a stage together for a man we loved.  He taught us how to grow, how to love, and how to pick up the pieces when everything fell apart.  2005 was such a wonderful year for me.  We began working on the Dvorak then, and the eerie beginning (although obviously ominous) seemed so playful.  It was fun to step in someone else's shoes for a while.  As spring came, and we poured more of ourselves into the piece it became clearer that we were living the story.  Something was not right.  Sure enough, summer came and tore everything apart.  My heart was shattered, my dad spent most of the summer in the hospital, Wyatt was shot, and Stringer left us.  That's the price we pay for becoming so wrapped up in the music's story.  

The Present: Despite the incredible amount of strength depicted in the piece, I feel an overwhelming amount of weakness each time I hear it.  I love how it still connects all of us.  One of the eight posts it somewhere, and we all know we are in the same place: abandoned, feeling insecure, wondering if what we give will ever be enough.  One feels the hurt for all eight, and we all cry.  This piece brought out the best in us one night on a stage, but now highlights our every faults.  Oh, how it depicts all of my frustrations.  A piece of music without lyrics says all the things I can not say.  It says all the things I would never dare to say.  As I hurt for a friend that is hurting (outside the eight) I wonder if I should pass on this music to him.  I wonder if it will offer him the same twisted hope it offers all of us.  Maybe he will come out of it like we all did: so much stronger, braver, and human.  

Oh, Dvorak.  Do you know what you have done to my soul?  To my head?  It is more clouded than ever.  I tried to listen to Greig's Ase's Tod, but it does not evoke the same emotions it once did.  Oh, you frustrate me with your genius craftsmanship of lines and spaces.  I pray I remain brave.  I pray I know when to crescendo and decrescendo.  I pray I know when to rest and when to play with my frog close to the bridge.   

I'll Talk to Our Gravity Experts

two nights this week spent with ben rector.

every night this week spent with old friends and new friends. 

watching king baby (extended version).

oh, how i love the simple things.

3 New Songs (DEFINITELY in the works...they don't even have titles)

"when you got to go, don't say 'goodbye,' say 'i'll see you soon,' cause that's a good bye." - aaron espe

My head is screaming at me.  

I have a million things to think about and no time to form any rational thought.

Only panic is coming now.

I have to make some decisions sooner than expected.

I have thoughts that come and go; conflicting, of course.

The woman at the Valero calls me darling every day.  One of my best buddies, David Ramirez, told me he loved me today.  Zac kisses me.  All that to say, all of my bases are covered.  I have people who tell me what I want to hear, people who care about me, and people who show me affection.  Maybe that's why I am so content with having what I have with him; even if it isn't much.  I don't need him to call me darling, tell me he loves me, or kiss me.  Yet, there's that something about him that sets him apart.  THOSE are the parts of him I must subconsciously crave.  He challenges me.  He is brutally honest with me.  

Too tired.  Here are some songs I'm working on: 

"Severed Kites" - jaimee harris (2009)

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

We were growing up so envious

I didn't know

But I cried a million times the day I made you go

I never knew what that phrase you said meant

Until I replayed it a thousand times in my own head

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

As I felt my feet sink into the sand

I realized I'll never know you as a man 

If I took back all of those things I said

You'd be walking here with me, you wouldn't be dead

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

Would I take it all back and change?  

I wouldn't

I will always be selfish

I will never stray, I'll stay the same

For you a thousand times

For you a thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand times, a thousand white & better lies

For you a thousand times over

For you a thousand times

For you thousand times, I'd give you my shoulder

For you a thousand severed kites flying up in the sky

For you a thousand times over

"?" - jaimee harris (2009)

Mr. State Capitol, why are you sad?

Don't think about it, just go back to bed

You will feel better by morning I swear

If not, let me know & I'll rush to be there

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open, the next you are closed

Mr. State Capitol, why do you wander?

Keep your eyes fixed on me, you will discover

The love that shines behind these blue eyes is for you

I don't know if you want it now, but I hope you do soon

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open the next you are closed

Mr. State Capitol, don't hold my heart lightly

Cling to it, keep to it at your side tightly

And if you find out you must let it go

I don't want to be the last girl to know

The city which after you're named for

Frequently shuts down due to the snow

I feel as if you're the same damn way

One day you're open the next you are closed

"?" - jaimee harris (2009)

Baby, won't you come & lie down next to me

You don't have to smile, you can close your eyes if you're tired

You never look at me when they are open any way

Baby, won't you come and lie down next to me

Baby, won't you come & talk to me a while

You don't have to say anything important, just pretend that you're interested

And kiss me before the lights go off so I can pretend we're something that we're not

Baby, won't you come & talk to me a while

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

It's not confusing, love, this is black & white lust

But we'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust what is happening between the both of us.

Baby, why do you vanish for days?

What the hell are you doing, except driving me insane?

I'm letting you go now, I don't really have a choice

Baby, why do you vanish for days?

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

It's not confusing, love, this is black & white lust

But we'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust what is happening between the both of us.

Vagabonds, Highways, & Classic Literature

Oh, the past week has been incredible.  Beyond incredible, in fact.  Monday night, I got to spend some time with my dear friend David Ramirez. I miss him so much!  We talked, briefly, about life and music (as always).  I FINALLY got to hear some of the tracks on American Soil.  Get ready America.  It's basically epic.   As seems to be a theme with this month, I reconnected with a friend I assumed dropped off the face of the Earth: Tia.  She is now one of the TOMS Vagabonds (talk about dream job).  We spent the entire night catching up, goofing off, and making life plans.  I totally forgot how incredibly fun she is!  We instantly became best friends.  Hajar, the other TOMS Vagabond, and I also became instant pals.  She has such a big heart and a passion that is contagious.  Oh man, I love her already.  The whole night was so comfortable, crazy, and fun.  Even though I barely know these girls, I feel like I have known them forever.  The best way to describe it is this:  It's like calling one of your best friends you haven't talked to for weeks. The conversation is so refreshing and lively, because you have so much new information to dish out.  That is EXACTLY how it felt to catch up with these girls.  I can absolutely not wait to do it again on Friday. 

Thursday night, after a day of illness, I drove to see Sara and Marshall in Abilene.  We started off the night with some delicious Chinese food (of which 1/2 ended up in my lap).  After we inhaled that, we made our way "downtown" to go smoke cigars at the Leaf. The Leaf is a really cool coffee/cigar bar of which 90% of its inhabitants sport Tombstone facial hair.  Unfortunately, it was closed by the time we got there so we crossed the street to hang out at Monks.  Monks was an interesting venue/coffee shop/clothing place.  Coffee must not sell well in Abilene due to the fact it's always paired up with several other items.  ANYWAY, I ended up bumming a guitar from some random guy and playing a few songs at their open mic.  Such a good time.  I spent the rest of the night talking about bluegrass with Sara's roommate, Josie. 

I woke up approximately at 2:00 pm the next afternoon.  Sara took me to this amazing steakhouse for my birthday.  The three of us decided, very spontaneously, that we needed some quality time with Mrs. Moak.  We gave her a ring, and she insisted we stay the night.  After an eventful drive to Lubbock, we found ourselves at her dinner table eating chili and homemade pecan pie (yes, more eating).  She was so excited to see us!  Our hearts basically exploded when we saw her.  The four of us stayed up talking about every area of life imaginable: science, medicine, college, high school, great literature, bad television, music, life plans.  Oh, how we idolize this woman.  She has been my hero for so long, yet I could not ignore the feeling that something was different about her.  Perhaps, she desperately misses the opportunity to change kid's lives every day through her occupation.  What she fails to realize is she STILL changes me every day.  Just as literature is living, and therefore forever changing, so are the words she said.  They echo and bounce off  the walls of my head so often.  Almost every day, I find myself putting something she taught me to use.  After Mrs. Moak headed off to bed, Morgan picked me up and took me to Jordan's.  What a great time!  Osam was even better looking than I remember (and smarter, too....mmmmm), Preston attempted to dance (mixed feelings), Melissa was just plain in love with me, and Jordan was Jordan.  We attempted to play Settlers of Catan, but our brains were too frantic to focus.  

The next day was quite the adventure.  Mrs. Moak made us breakfast, and we enjoyed chatting with her and seeing her react to her husband's teasing.  It was so precious.  We spent a good chunk of the trip back listening to opera (I need to listen to more of that stuff), Ben Rector, and Ben Gibbard.  I made it to work on time by driving an average speed of 95 MPH on HWY 6.  

Today was great.  I didn't have to work, so I wrote two songs, updated my MySpace with new music (www.myspace.com/jaimeeharrismusic), added music to my iLike page, and watched 5 movies.  Overall, a great day.  Overall, a great weekend.  I am so blessed with beautiful friends who genuinely care about me.  

"Leave your mark on me so if we part, I can still remember you.  Leave your mark, just leave it somewhere on me." - Jessie Baylin

"I'm telling my friends I gotta go.  I need rest, but I'm running for the phone.  I think Casey knows.  But, oh I just love you."- Dear & the Headlights

As I Sat in Aiden's Chair

The past two days have been quite interesting.  I woke up at my friend's house on Wednesday morning,  It was kind of like being in fourth grade when you wake up at a friend's house a lot earlier than they do.... and it's totally awkward.  You try to go back to sleep, and it works for a while, but you just feel restless.  You don't want to get out of the bed, out of fear of waking the other person up so you just lay there.  Anyways, while laying there in the mid afternoon, I had plenty of timeto think... which is ALWAYS dangerous.  Noon rolls around, and so does my friend.  I tell him I'm leaving in thirty minutes.   I get an "OK" out of him before he rolls over and goes back to sleep.  Thirty minutes passes, and he rolls over again and I tell him I have to leave.  (Really, I didn't.  I brought all my shower gear and work clothes with me, but I just wanted to get out of there)  I got another "OK" out of him before he went all rollie polie on me.  Now, I do not get mad easily... ever ... but I definitely found myself annoyed.  I think I was more annoyed with myself for getting upset over something so stupid.  I wondered to myself, "Where is this coming from?  You're never like this."  Later, after some mild bitchiness from me, I received an apology.  I felt ridiculous for needing an apology.  No one should have to apologize for something so petty.  As I drove away, pre-apology, I decided I was done with this whole thing.  I had a little pep talk with myself: "Hey you.  You're a catch.  Don't settle."  Weird choice of words.  "Don't settle."  As I reflected on the words that had just come out of the rational side of my brain, the right side kicked in.  This whole ordeal does not feel like settling at all for many reasons:

1) I never thought I even had the slightest chance with this guy.

2) I never felt like he was beneath me, at all.

3) This whole situation had been very comfortable.

"He said he didn't want to hurt me, and he didn't," I thought to myself.  I decided I wasn't going to text him.  

"I'm too proud to beg for your attention & your friendship & your time.  So you can come & get it from now on.  Here I am, I'm so young.  I know I've been bitter, I've been jaded, I'm alone.  Everyday I bite my tongue.  If you only knew my mind is full of razors that can cut you like a word if only sung." - Brandi Carlile

Well, the no texting thing didn't last for very long because I kind of got in a jam last night.  I was going to see if I could crash on his couch (I decided bed was not the best idea, considering the morning I had) I received a response that I immediately knew was bad news.  SHE was there.  SHE has not been in the picture, at least the picture I've seen, for a good bit.  I almost forgot SHE was still there.  That was officially it.  I decided if he does not want me now, he never will... and that's fine.  It was definitely great while it lasted.  I had a pretty good night tonight though.  I went to see Brandon's band, In the Beginning, play a show.  Definitely a fun time.  Jacob made me play "Straw & Dirt" a million times.  Ridiculous.  I also Sara tonight which was wonderful.  Anyways, after the show we went back to Brandon's and Casey and I sat in THAT chair.  The chair where I shared him with my friends and he wasn't too embarrassed to hold my hand in front of them.  As soon as I sunk down into that massive thing, all the thoughts I suppressed in the back of my mind came flooding to the front.  It was definitely parallel to Carrie sitting in Aiden's chair.  Definitely.  But like I said, I still feel like this is the best thing for now.  If he wants any part of me, he can come get it.   

"There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.  You know what I  wanted; I gave what I gave.  I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry there's nothing to say." - Stars

Today was hard.  I stuck to the no texting rule, and I didn't hear from him today.  I'm still not hurt in a romantic way, but the lack of friendship totally already sucks.  It's hard now, but I also know it's the right thing to do for now.  I am not going to dish out or take anything along the lines of "if it's meant to be, it will be."  I think it's more related to two adults making a decision to have a good time together or not.  I am so thankful to have my wonderful Sara with me to talk about life.  Strange how our conversations have evolved from crayons to more serious things.  I am so blessed to have her.  She is my rock.  As we were talking, she said some very wise things, things I immediately wrote down.  I was telling her that one of the best things I got out of this "whatever this thing is" thing, was that I learned I am absolutely ready to fall for someone again.  I'm done with the ridiculous fear I've been holding onto.  Sara wanted to make sure that I'm really finally ready to forgive from my core all the things that happened years ago.  She said: "When you love someone that much and they hurt you, you just want to shut down and be bitter.  But you can't.  You have to forgive them and continue to love them.  The idea is to forgive so you can live your life FEARLESSLY.  Fear helps perpetuate the cycle, not break it."  How I love that Sara Shoultz. 

I'm sorry this post is kind of all over the place.  Definitely representative of me right now (especially at 4:38 am)

Here's a little song I started writing on Tuesday.  Maybe it'll stick.  Maybe it won't.

v1:

Baby, won't you come lie down next to me

You don't have to smile, you can close your eyes if you're tired

You never look at me when they're open anyway

Baby, won't you come and lie down next to me

v2:

Baby, won't you come talk to me a while

You don't have to say anything, you can just pretend you're interested

And kiss me before the lights go off

So I can pretend we're something we're not

Baby, won't you come and talk to me a while

c:

The whole world is crashing down on the both of us

This isn't confusing, love, this is black and white lust

We'll never learn how to love if we never learn how to trust

What is happening between the both of us

Like I said, just something I'm working on.  Here are some other words to sleep on.

"Let it Happen" - Jimmy Eat World

I have a ringing in my head and no one to help me answer it

Even if you're close enough to kiss

Every minute is arranged

Every moment lasts a day

But thinking about it won't help me tlet go, I know

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk

Gotta love how it's somehow all on me 

All the petty scenes and all the pretty things

Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off

I must look like I'm running away

To you, at a faster pace

I wonder what it is you could've seen in me

I'm the evil one who said gonna let everything happen

Just like my chest, my ears our proud

Collision is such an ugly sound

I can hear it now

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk

Gotta love how it's somehow all on me

All the petty scenes and all the pretty things

Say whatever you want cause I can laugh it off

"Hologram" - Katie Herzig

I'm gonna let you down, gonna toss you around, gonna make you want everything you haven't found

I'm gonna hold your hand, then ask you to stand ten feet away

Oh, it's just like you said

I live in my head

I'm saving up all that I can 'til I'm dead

It's always the same, but never the same way

Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more

I fall in love with hard to get, you know, you're just like me

A mystery, with nothing more to see; a virtual reality

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

I am taking up space

I'm holding a half-hearted smile to your face

It's pretty enough, but watch out it fades away

Time is ticking so fast, does anything last

Soon, I will be just a part of your past

I'll leave you with this

You hold on in blissful memory

Oh, if you don't want me though I'll only want you more

I fall in love with hard to get, you know you're just like me

A mystery, with nothing more to see

A virtual reality

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram you can see, but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

Now that you can see, I'm not what you make of me

I'm in a love affair without a love song

I'm in the habit of having what I don't want

I'm just a hologram, you can see but don't touch me baby

Oh, I bet you want me

I'm just a hologram 

"Happiness" - The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window

I thought it'd crash blowing 80 miles an hour

Happiness a little more like knocking on your door 

You just let it in.

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can't make it come or go

But you are gone, not for good but for now

And gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold 

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself that's enough for now

Happiness, has a violent roar

Happiness, it's like the old man told me

Look for it, and you'll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day you'll wake up and she'll be home.

"Leave" - Glen Hansard

I can't wait forever is all that you said before you stood up

And you won't disappoint me, I can do that myself

But I'm glad that you've come

Now if you don't mind leave.

Leave, free yourself at the same time

Leave, leave. 

I don't understand, you've already gone.

And I hope you feel better now that it's out

What took you so long?

And the truth has a habit of falling out of your mouth

Well, now that it's come... if you don't mind leave.

Leave,  please yourself at the same time 

Leave, leave.

Let go of my heart you said what you came to now leave.

Leave, let go of my heart you said what you have to... now leave.

 

The Eleventh Wheel

"You don't need to change a thing about you, babe.  I'm telling you, from where I sit you're one of a kind.  Relationships. I don't know why, they never work out & they make you cry.  But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind."- Griffin House

The past few days have been pretty crazy.  I kind of felt like my world was crashing down, but tonight was absolutely wonderful.  I went to see Ten Out of Tenn at Common Grounds.... soooooooooooo great.  It was incredibly neat to see what David, Ryan, and I do on a larger scale: a co-op made up of crazy dreamers who somehow ended up being friends and encouraging each other in vital ways.  I ran into my friend Tommy Read (lead singer from Judas Feet) tonight.  Like most of the good friends in my life, I see him only every once in a while and our time together is filled with months of conversation. I came very close to joining him on a west coast tour in February, but time just wasn't on our side.  Anyways, we chatted about how our writing has been, how it is evolving, what shows we can play together, what we're going to do with our lives..... everything.  He told me he recently got engaged, despite the fact he is still couch surfing.  (Apparently his fiancee surfs right along with him.... how cute)  I wonder if it's normal to have as many couch surfing friends as I do.  It has been my experience that couch surfers are the most passionate, humble, and happy people I know.  David fuels off of his passion for his music.  Sean fuels off his passion for change in the Congo.  Passion is so incredible to me.  After the show tonight, I made it a point to talk with the TOT performers.  I wanted to know what fuels them and how their journey has been.  Each one of them expressed their passion for music and adventure; qualities I quickly assumed they had as I evaluated every detail of their show from the front row.  I know passion has always been a strong player in my life, but it's recently become the forerunner.

"I'm dazzled by glamour & camera angles.  The drama & swagger of fools. I sacrificed beauty once to chase after their parade & spent my morning after crawling back to you." - Matt Nathanson

"We're stuck on a stage of parading lust.  It seems it's always only one thing more." - Matthew Perryman Jones

I am discovering that passion can be a great, horrendous, or confusing thing.  At times, it can take the shape of all three forms.  I can not decipher if I am unconsciously curing troubles with products of passion.  Do I really believe resolution comes in the form of a kiss?  Or the number of kisses given and received?  Being kissed is definitely still enough, but it is starting to feel more like an addiction.  The nights I do not spend time with him result in a cluttered mind and severe insomnia.  Each time I lay down to sleep, I remember how perfect it feels to fall into the nook.  Sleeping without it is kind of like trying to sleep with a pillow or a blanket.  Even when it's 100 degrees outside, you have to sleep with a blanket or else everything just feels off.  That is how everything feels right now; just off. 

Cowboy Coffee Ramblings

Please excuse me, I had three Cowboy Coffees from Common Grounds tonight.

Ok.  So, I have recently been dabbling in some behavior I swore off dabbling in three years ago.  Actually, no.  Well, I don't know.  It's so confusing.  I will certainly try my best to explain.  About three years ago, I had my heart broken by a boy I really loved.  It took me forever to get back on my feet again.  So, in March of 2007 I decided I was ready for another go around.  I began somewhat accidentally dating a guy in August of 2006.  He really cared for me, but I knew I could not reciprocate the feelings he felt for me.  My heart just wasn't ready and I knew I wasn't going to marry.  You see, I was never one for casual dating.  I didn't understand it.  I got exhausted just thinking about all it entails.  (I have this rule about only dating people I can see myself marrying)  In March of 2007, I began dating the kindest boy I've ever dated.  He was an incredible gentleman, but I hate always being right just because I'm a girl.  I need a challenge.  So, me being typical me, I let him go in May of 2007.  My friends have always tried to set me up with great guys, but I always declined because I just felt that things would fall into place when they were supposed to.  I just KNEW time would be on my side.  The boy that broke my heart absolutely shattered it.  He violated my trust, ruptured the best friendships I have ever had, and somehow turned me into the enemy.  Oh, and I played it so right.  I think I only called him three times after the whole mess happened.  (Keep in mind this mess happened almost three years ago)  I never sent him obsessive messages or spread horrible rumors about him.  I couldn't; I hated who he became but I was still drunk in love with who he used to be.  So many times I thought to myself, "You were never good enough to be with a guy like that.  You should be so grateful you got that chance."  or "Oh no, he can do so much better than me.  I'll never do as well as him."  

I finally realized how internally damaging my thoughts were.  I finally decided to, as cheesy as it sounds, love myself enough to be loved.  I decided I was not going to settle.  Like I said, I dated these two boys who were incredibly good to me but I couldn't help but compare them to my former love.  I just never felt that comfort with them I felt so clearly with him.  I wanted so badly to love them, because they were text book perfect... but I just couldn't.  Something didn't fit. 

Fast forward.  Very recently, I have stumbled into something very strange.  I met this person in October 2008.  He was hilarious, and most importantly, was not afraid to poke fun at me after knowing me for five minutes.  I find that confidence so attractive.  Sara, my best friend from Kindergarten, taunted me all night.  "Oh my goodness.  Jaimee, you like him!!"  I was quick to respond with a childish "Nu-uh, no I don't!  Cut it out!"  Secretly, I knew he had made quite the impression.  A few weeks ago, this person re-entered my life at a strange time.  Due to the fact that both of us have a tendency to not hold anything back, he let me know all about this girl he is crazy about.  She is absolutely stunning.  Hearing him talk about her warmed my heart.  It reminded me of how valuable waiting for a boy who talked about me with the same intensity this person did would be.  

About a week after hearing him talk about and through his issues with this girl, who keeps pulling him back and forth, I found myself in the same city with him.  He invited me over for dinner, and I accepted.  I was excited to see my new found friend!  (emphasis on friend)  I felt no pressure whatsoever, since I knew this was absolutely NOT a date, so I just remained being my goofy self.  Before I knew it, I found myself on one of the best dates I've ever been on in my whole life... and this was absolutely a NON date.  It was not nearly as awkward as a first date usually is, since there was essentially no pressure, but I also discovered I fell into a state of comfort I haven't experienced even with my closest friends in forever.  Everything just seemed to feel right.  Everything seemed to fit; quite the excellent jumpstart to a great friendship.

For several days, I found myself in the same city with this guy.   One night, I found myself on the foot of his bed watching one of my favorite movies... but the movie quickly faded into the background.  Oddly enough, I just wanted to look at him.  Then, looking at him wasn't enough.  I had to kiss him.  (and this is coming from the girl that doesn't kiss unless there is a label on the relationship)  This was a VERY bad sign.  I knew he loved this other girl to death, and I knew he was not going to kiss me.  Eh, but what the hell do I know?  Half to my relief, half to my confusion, he kissed me.  There it was.  I got what I wanted.  I spent the whole drive home the next morning (by morning, I mean more of a continuation of the night before... we stayed up all night) feeling liberated.  For the first time, I shared a moment with a  boy and didn't think "Awwww, I really miss him," or "Oooo, I wonder if he likes me," or "Is he gonna ask me to be his girlfriend," instead I just felt free.  I felt like getting kissed was EXACTLY what I needed.  I didn't expect anything and it was wonderful.  

He continues to talk to me about this wonderful girl, and I desperately want things to work out for them because I know how much it means to him.  I am furious with her for causing this amazing individual so much grief.  I know that he does not want to be with me, and that is fine.  I knew the terms when we started this, whatever this thing is, thing.  What concerns me is my attitude about the whole thing.  Why have I certainly decided that I just need to be kissed over and over again instead of needing a relationship?  Aren't these flings the things that are supposed to leave you crushed?  Why do I continue to feel comfortable?  Why can't I turn off this feeling?  I mean, I can't even figure out why I desire him.  He almost never says the right things because he is so honest with himself and in turn with me.  I sometimes find myself trying to set him up to say the right things.  

Example:

how i hear it in my head

me:  Ok, I'm getting up to go in, like, five minutes.  That way, I can be back in town by 2.

he:  Don't you have to be at work at 4?  Just stay here.  Or, at least give me 10 more minutes with you.  You'll still have plenty of time. 

what actually takes place

me: Ok, I'm getting up to go in, like, five minutes.  That way, I can be back in town by 2.

he:  (5 minutes later) Alright, you should probably go now.

But, he has his moments where he does say the right things.  I guess that's enough to keep coming back for more.  I just still don't understand why I keep coming back.  Sometimes, I don't think he even wants me to come back.  It's weird that I don't crave him when I'm away from him, but when he's close I don't want to leave.  Is this healthy?

Wait, a second.  I kind of like this new me.  It's something different and fun.  Sure it isn't sweet or graceful, but I'm having a helluva good time.  ;)

"I'm like a paper cup with a pinprick.  You can fill me up, but I'll only stay full for a while.  And wisdom's only shown me that loneliness is all my fault.  And I don't know what I have done wrong.  You say you understand me, well I don't get you at all.  It seems everyone around me is so good at faking it I don't know just how to act around you." - Dear and the Headlights

"Be here now.   No other place to be.  All the doubts that linger, just set them free and let good things happen.  Let the future come into each moment like the rising sun.  Sun comes up, and we start again." - Mason Jennings

"Lately things are not o.k.  I just wanted to hear somebody say be here now." - Mason Jennnings

Possible Tracks for "Home"

"Straw & Dirt" - jaimee harris (2008)

I'm gonna build this love out of straw & dirt

So when it comes down it won't hurt

I won't care if it should fall

I didn't put much work into it at all

That's right, I didn't put much work into it at all

I'm gonna build this love out of sticks

It's easy to break, but it's easy to fix

It's easy to find no substance at all

It'll only hurt a little bit when it falls

Oh yeah, it'll only hurt a little bit when it falls

And the wind will blow

It's nothing I don't know

You reap what you sow & what you don't

You get what you give

Your love running through a sieve

And I won't build another love that you won't

I'm gonna build this love out of bricks

It's gonna be stronger than straw or sticks

It's gonna stand the test of time & wind

We'll never have to build this again

Oh no, we'll never have to build this again

And the wind will blow

It's nothing I don't know 

You reap what you sow & what you don't

You get what you give 

Your love running through a sieve

And I won't build another love that you won't

And the wind will blow

It's nothing I don't know 

You reap what you sow & what you don't

You get what you give

Your love running through a sieve

And I won't build another love that you won't

No, I won't build another love that you won't

"Down" - jaimee harris (2008)

Take me out of this place

Tell me what I could be 

Our hearts will never form together if we never try, darling

I've been sitting in this car

Thinking of all the ways that it could turn

We will never benefit from all of our mistakes if we never learn

I want you close to me, but all you wanna do is run

I want to tell you everything, but I need to be certain

That love is gonna come down.

Love is gonna come down

Love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down.

Tell me what I need to say

Tell me what I need to do

I know everything is sure to fall apart if I screw this up with you

I want you close to me, but all you wanna do is run

I want to tell you everything, but I need to be certain

That love is gonna come down

Love is gonna come down.

Love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down.

You can not find a reason to walk away

But you can not find a sign telling you to stay

I think you think way too much about everything

How much will it take for you to see

That love is gonna come down

Love is gonna come down

Love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down, love is gonna come down.

"Landmines" - jaimee harris (2008)

Don't kiss me again, I am already on my knees

You're a hop, skip, kiss & a week away from completely breaking me

Don't come here & tell me you want me

Don't tell me you want in

We've already tried this baby, and I don't feel like doing it again. 

So, if you want to step on all of these landmines then go right ahead

The only thing that's certain is unfortunate explosions & the both of us dead

So, if you don't want want me

If you don't want me then leave.

If you don't love me

If you don't love me, then why don't you leave

Don't tell me I'm strong when you already know that I'm weak

You're a hop, skip, kiss, & a midnight cigarette away  from choking me

Don't tell me it's just a few months and then you'll be home

Cause I waited for you on dry land while you were rolling in the sand

I already know

So, if you wanna step on all of these landmines then go right ahead

The only thing that's certain is unfortunate explosions & the both of us dead

So, if you don't want me

If you don't want me, then leave

If you don't love me

If you don't love me then why don't you leave

"Austin" - jaimee harris (2008)

Everything in this apartment's white 

Except for that black couch I slept on last night

And I was wishing you would hold me tight

But that won't happen on this Riverside night

I know that won't happen on this Riverside night

She is too drunk to stand

When she falls down, I'll just give her my hand

She's telling me a story 'bout her unfaithful man

As she cries along with this South Congress band

As she cries right along with this South Congress band

Living in this city is not for me

Austin is haunting me

I walked 26 blocks downtown

It took me a while, but I found my way around

I just tried to track you down

But you won't love me outside of this town

I know you could never love me outside of this town

Living in this city is not for me

Austin is haunting me

It's haunting me, so I'm hunting you down

It's haunting me, so I'm hunting you down

It's haunting me, so I'm hunting you down

Everything about me here's not right 

"Slow Down Highway" - jaimee harris (2008)

I left my home at 4 a.m. looking for a sunrise

I woke to find the sun way gone & fleeting morning light

Oh, I swear I just wanted to slow down

I pulled over shortly gazing at state lines

Hoping to discover what to do with all this time

Oh, I'm just trying to slow down

But I wanna pass on the left side

Cross every yellow line from Texas to Kentucky

The city to the country

I wanna break in brand new wheels

All of the time remaining grounded

Then, I wanna grow our love exactly where we found it

I saw you this morning, what a perfect sight to see

I can't wait to kiss your mouth right before I leave

Oh, with you I really think I could slow down

But first, I wanna pass on the left side

Cross every yellow line from Texas to Kentucky

Oh, the city to the country

I wanna break in brand new wheels

All of the time remaining grounded

Then, I wanna grow our love exactly where we found it

He left his home at 4 a.m. looking for a sunrise

I woke to find my love way gone and fleeting morning light

Oh, I should've tried harder to slow down

"After Affections" - jaimee harris (2007)

Nothing much happens, after affections are tossed & they're turned & he finally goes

I found what matters after disasters

I learned to drive faster

I learned to live slow

So, you take everything that you need

I guess that did not include me 

So, you run like you do

But, hey it's all good

I always knew that you would

I still remember cold, gray November

You kissed my mouth & you left me right there

If you were stronger, you'd have stayed longer

It seemed real important, but now I don't care

So, you take everything that you need

I guess that did not include me

So, you run like you do

But, hey it's all good

So, you take everything that you need

I guess that did not include me

So, you run like you do

But, hey it's all good

I always knew that you would

"Free" - patty griffin  & jaimee harris (2006)

I am no longer young

I'm an old man's daughter who got caught with the sun going down

We spend most of our days adrift on the water

That's how I know my way around

And it's hard to be free

When freedom is just me & the waves on the terrible sea

I could land with rest of all the broken down birds

That's where I find my way home

With the rest of the faces on the face of the earth

Facing off to the great unknown

All the tears that we cry

Has something gone wrong

Is somebody lost, the places long gone

You keep on moving, baby

Keep on moving, baby 

Waves coming over your knees

You keep on moving, baby

Keep on moving, baby 

Waves coming over your knees

And it's hard to be free

See some things that I see

And be some things that I be

And come all the way, all the way, all the way home again

Keep on moving baby 

Keep on moving baby

Waves coming over knees

Keep on moving, baby

You keep on moving, baby 

Waves coming over your knees

I'm going home, baby

I'm going home, my baby

I'm going home again.

"Unexpected Love" - jaimee harris (2008)

I think I'm going to try listening

So, I hope that you can hear

I know my old ways of communicating, were not kind to you my dear

I've had some trouble writing words, you see

They couldn't find a place to sit

Then you came and you sang to me so beautifully

I found a melody to fit

And I am finally better, you see

You have helped me find my melody

And through it I've been set free darling

So, sing to me

Oh, sing to me

And I am changing all my old ways

Can you still see me here

And I refuse to speak more words

I pray the ones I sing are just as clear

I don't believe in directness when it comes to this thing

I would rather use a metaphor

So, please forgive me if I would rather sing

Then speak these precious words

And I am finally better, you see

You have helped me find my melody

And through it, I've been set free darling

So, let me sing

Oh, let me sing

And I am changing all my old ways

Can you still see me here

And I refuse to speak more words

I pray the ones I sing are just as clear

I'm falling for you, it's unexpected

I'm falling for you, I tried to reject it

I'm sorry for this, I know you don't want it

I'm sorry for this, love 

It's unexpected

I'm sorry for this love, it's unexpected

I'm sorry for this, I tried to reject this

I'm sorry for this, love, I know you don't want this

I'm sorry for this love that's unexpected

Are you sorry love,

I know it's unexpected

Are you sorry love

Are you going to reject this

Are you sorry love

Do you really not want this

I'm sorry, no, no I'm not

I'm not sorry for this love 

I'm not sorry this love at all

If you can still see me

Or, does this change everything

"Quicksand" - jaimee harris (2008)

You take me around back & tell me I am beautiful as always

I look at you and I say "sir, I have no idea what your intentions are anyways"

You pull me by the side of your lips and whisper in my ear 

"I think you know exactly what it is we are doing here"

I can't help but stare at the moonlight reflecting off your wedding band

And so you grab me, yeah you grab me by your left hand

You're sticking your

You're sticking your

You're sticking your feet in

Into a pool of quicksand

And I am following right behind

And I'm dipping my pretty little toes in

I pick up my phone, it's you, my whole body goes chill

You say you've accidentally let our little secret spill

I ask you if she knows

You say you'll never speak the truth

"And between you & me baby, you're the only woman I've ever wanted to come home to"

And I can't help but stare at the moonlight reflecting off your wedding band

And so you grab me, yeah you grab me by your left hand

You're sticking your

You're sticking your

You're sticking your feet in

Into a pool of quicksand

And I am following right behind

And I'm dipping my pretty little toes in

I look at you and I say, "I do not know where to go now"

You say, "me either, baby, all I know is we're too far in to get out"

And you can't help but stare at the moonlight reflecting off my pretty face

And so I kiss you one last time & add onto our list of horrible mistakes

You're sticking your 

You're sicking your

You're sticking your feet in

Into a pool of quicksand

You're sticking your

You're sticking your

You're sticking your feet in

Into a pool of quicksand

And I am following right behind

And I'm dipping my pretty little toes in

"Home" - jaimee harris (2008)

I'm 50 years old & I'm siting in a tattoo shop in the middle of nowhere Kansas

The best part is my baby girl came to see me all the way from Texas

She's got her own house now

Yeah, I guess she's grown

But she makes it a point a few times out of the year to always come back home

Home

I won't tell you how old I am, but I'm too old for my wife to come home with a brand new tattoo

But you better believe I"m still young enough to sit at this door & wait for my baby girl to come right through

I helped her move into her own place about a week ago

Before I left she looked at me & said "Daddy, I may be settled in, but I ain't afraid to come home"

Home

I'm 26 & I just filled up my car & I'm headed to the middle of nowhere Kansas

You know, it's funny as many times as I cross this state line & I always make a point to take a picture of the state sign of Texas

These are the kinds of things you miss when you're up in the air, so it's been a while since I've flown

You better believe there's nothing better than pulling up into your old driveway & saying "I'm home"

"Cigarettes"- jaimee harris (2008)

I've been smoking too many cigarettes & covering Bob Dylan songs

Two things I know I will soon regret

But the guilt, just hasn't settled on

I drove up to the mountains at midnight, cause you wouldn't answer my call

It's the only way I know to clear my head

When the only thought I have is you don't care at all

And I know I am screwing up my healthy lungs 

I just can't seem to get enough air

But I hope if I keep destroying myself  you'll call & say "stop"

And I'll know that you care

It seems the only words I say with substance are the ones I pair with melodies

I still don't have the perfect words to say to you

So instead, I will drown you with these

Oh, please know you are messing around with my head

Nothing I say will ever sink in

So, I hope if I keep destroying myself you'll call & say "hey baby, where have you been"

I've been smoking too many cigarettes & covering Bob Dylan songs

Two things I know I'm bound to regret

But the guilt just won't settle on

"Bitter"- jaimee harris (2009)

You're right, I'm afraid to stay in love

Cause I don't know where I'd get all my songs from

I'm afraid of the loss of pain 

Girls like me just need the rain

I know that you'll leave me eventually

And I will fall to the ground

You'll be standing over my body, laughing & pointing down

You're right, I don't trust anyone

My heart has been broken, the damage can not be undone

I would love to give my heart to you

But, I'm afraid of what'll happen after I do

I know that you'll leave me eventually 

And I will fall to the ground

You'll be standing over my body, laughing & pointing down

Laughing & pointing down

Down, down 

I'd love to take hold of what is better

What is better, but I know me

I will be sour & turn our love bitter

Bitter

Oh, bitter

I will be bitter

You're right, I'm afraid to stay in love

Cause I don't know where I'd get all my songs from

"Try" - jaimee harris (2008)

Sit down & talk for a spell

You know, I do not know you that well

It just seems you seem equally ill

From the falls of the loves you've had before

I just love to hear your voice speak

Say all that you want, I can take your critiques 

I know I am bitter from my losing streak

I came in with chips & I left broke at the door

But I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

If you're willing to try with me tonight

I say let's break all the rules

Unless you think that's incredibly cruel

I don't care, let 'em all call us fools

I am prepared to fight this war

Nothing I haven't crawled through before

But I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

If you're willing to try with me tonight

I forgot that these city lights can be so blinding

I pray it's not deceit, but raw truth I'm finding

I won't admit that it's love, but your name just keeps tripping off the tip of my tongue

What have I done

Oh, what have I done

I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

I'm willing to try

If you are willing, if you are willing love

Maybe this once it will end up o.k

Maybe this once he will want me to stay

Maybe this once it won't blow up in my face

"Fear" - jaimee harris (2008)

Time, time is working against me

I always seem to be in the wrong place

This distance is starting to kill me 

I am dying to see your face

And my hands are getting colder, getting colder from the snow

I know I love you, but I don't want you to know

My time is working against me

My fear is paralyzing

My mind is working against me

I can not seem to get the facts straight

Injustice is starting to kill me

I am dying to see the world rid of all its hate

And my heart is getting harder, getting harder with every day

I know I want you, but I don't want to ask you to stay

My mind is working against me

My fear is paralyzing

My heart is working against me 

I can not decipher what I feel

Your words are starting to kill me 

I am dying to know just how you feel

And the days are getting longer, getting longer without you here

I wish I wasn't so paralyzed by my own stupid fear

My heart is working against me

My fear is paralyzing

Oh, time 

My mind

My heart

"Cool" - jaimee harris (2008)

I'm standing in a room filled with white kids who just can't dance at all

You've got your reggae junkies, your down right funky's standing in this concert hall

And I just sway from side to side to show my appreciation for every song

I'm trying to mouth all the words, but getting the majority of them wrong

This is a humbling moment for me 

I'm not as cool as I think I am

Looks like I'm gonna have to find myself another plan 

I've got to much to see, to read before I sleep tonight so I can get this thing down right

No, I'm not as cool as I think I am

I'm standing in the grocery store picking out a loaf of bread from the bakery

And the guitar man plays on the muzak & I am laughing at the irony

And the baker says "excuse me miss, I could be so very wrong, but aren't you just a tad too young to know all the words to this song"

Another humbling moment for me

I'm not as cool as I think I am

Looks like I'm going to have to find myself another plan

I've got to much to see, to read before I sleep tonight so I can get this thing down right

No, I'm not as cool as I think I am

Will anybody know my story, will I go down in glory 

No

Will anybody know my name, or will I forever be this lame

Oh, I think so

This is a humbling moment for me

I'm only as cool as you think I am

Am I, oh am I

I'm only as cool as you think I am 

Am I, oh what am I to you

I'm only as cool as you think I am

"Anything Better" - jaimee harris (2009)

You have more friends than me, but you feed off being alone

I don't know what selfishness means

I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own

I need to have a raging river

But all I see are shallow creeks

Can't you see, I'm searching for real things

I'm on a mission

Tell me what do you seek

Cause I never found anything better

Never found anything better than I had with you

I wish I could

But you never look through my old love letters

Thinking that no one could ever love you better than 

You never knew I could

So, I set out to find truth

Moving slowly down this road

I'm dying for a taste of that summer, but this blacktop is varnished in snow

And I never found anything better

Never found anything better than I had with you

I wish I could

But you never look through my old love letters

Thinking that no one could ever love you better than 

You never knew I could

And I never found anything better

Never found anything better than  I had with you

I wish I could

But you never look through my old love letters

Thinking that no one could ever love you better than 

You never knew I could

"God's Making a Deal"- jaimee harris (2009)

I've got the perfect love song on the tip of my tongue

I'm not ready to sing it, cause I don't want you to know you're the one

I've tried for a long time to ignore how I feel

But the more that's gone by, the more I realize that it's real

All of my friends say they know

You're the only thing that's feeding my soul

But I gave it to God a long time ago

But I think he's making a deal to lend it to you

I know it's first hand to think about

I've got these thoughts in my head that keep spinning & spinning around 

I don't want to make you act or freak you out

I'm perfectly content just hearing what you're thinking about

All of my friends say they know

You're the only thing that's feeding my soul

But I gave it to God a long time ago

But I think he's making a deal to lend it to you

I never wanted the fairy tale picket fence

Just four lanes to keep me moving along

I certainly wasn't hunting for my fairy tale picket fence

You, I just stumbled upon

All of my friends say they know

You're the only thing that's feeding my soul

But I gave it to God a long time ago

But I think he's making a deal

I think he's making a deal

Yeah, I think he's making a deal to give it to you

"Falling Whistles" - jaimee harris (2009)

Why do I let myself get discouraged

When I know in my heart that I am right

People tell me that I'm crazy for putting up such a hard fight

But I ain't giving up yet

No, I ain't giving up yet

I will sing 'til God steals the air from my chest

I ain't giving up yet, no

Don't you know I've always loved you

But your new girl's got a smile that out shines mine

It's getting harder to pretend that I don't want you

But I know in time I will be fine

I ain't giving up yet

I ain't giving up yet

I will love 'til God steals the air from my chest

I ain't giving up yet, no

Every day I see pain, it surrounds me

In the heart of darkness children fight the war

Sent out on the front lines to get trampled on

I hear the falling whistles hit the floor

I ain't giving up yet

I ain't giving up yet

I will hope 'til God steals the air from my chest

I ain't giving up yet, no

I ain't giving up yet, no

I ain't giving up yet, no

I ain't giving up, I ain't giving up, giving up

I ain't giving up yet, no

"Done" - jaimee harris (2009)

Oh, where do you run to when I'm not with you

Are you looking for her

I wish you would stay

But the universe does not run on what I prefer

I finally feel pretty enough to fall into your arms

And it's nice to know you don't want to run away 

After all that I've done

Mouth, you get my in trouble

He's bound to another & I'm stealing his lips

Heart, always steady beating

You always start racing when he falls into my hips

I finally feel pretty enough to fall into your arms

And it's nice to know you don't want to run away 

After all that I've done

After all that I've done

I'm not good enough

I'm not good enough

But I feel good enough for you

Mouth, you get me in trouble

He's bound to another and I'm stealing his kiss

Heart, you're always steady beating

But you slowly start breaking when I think of this

"Penny Lane" - jaimee & chris harris (2009)

Penny Lane rides around with all the bad boys in town

They can't turn away from her green eyes & curly red hair

Penny Lane's like a pile up on the interstate

You wanna hide your face from the wreckage, but you can't help but stare

She'll be dead in the morning

With a needle stuck in the top of her hand

She'll be dead without a lover

She never could let anyone good in

Penny Lane likes all the bands on the rock & roll station

Penny Lane gets backstage wherever she goes

Penny Lane's like a song you gotta put on repeat

Just to figure out what it means, but you never do know

She'll be dead in the morning

With a needle stuck in the top of her hand

She'll be dead without a lover

She never could let anyone good in

Penny Lane, we wanna save you

But you don't want us to

Penny Lane ain't searching for redemption

Penny Lane finds grace wherever she lands

Penny Lane ain't never gonna find Jesus

Unless he's standing on 6th street with a dimebag in his hand

She'll be dead in the morning

With a needle stuck in the top of her hand

She'll be dead without a lover

She never could let anyone good in